February 18, 2015

Ugly Focal Points

I dread my lady time that comes around every month.  I don't really mind the physical aspect of it, it's the mental and emotional side that's brutal.  This was the main reason why I absolutely hated being pregnant.  I felt like someone highjacked my brain.

One week a month I don't feel in control.  I don't feel like myself.  Everything I touch seems to break open and I leave a trail of relational destruction in my wake.

This is a raw subject right now because I'm in the midst of "the week."  I feel emotionally broken down.  I've had multiple red-faced, blubbering conversations with Tim.  These hurt and they are hard, but I'm realizing they may be necessary.  He's so patient with me too.  He gets that this is a sensitive time so he just sits by my side and holds my hair while I emotionally puke.

I always dread this week but maybe it is an emotionally necessary time.  Maybe this is the time that I can't hold it in anymore and shouldn't hold it in anymore.  It's a time where my walls can't hide my feelings anymore.  It's not an excuse to be rude or nasty, I still want to filter that, but maybe the rude and nasty are the actual walls.  Normally, I have other walls like clamming up or letting others steamroll over me.  Instead of letting this time be a positive mental awakening, I just replace it with uglier screens.  Maybe this is the time I'm supposed to do the hard work of self evaluation and promote my own self awareness. Maybe then my spew of garbage will slowly reduce its radius until there isn't any more to spit out.

When I actually say out loud that I'm extremely irritable I gain a little more control over it.  Verbalizing it also helps me realize that I need to sometimes remove myself from the situation and spend a little time alone.  I also let my family know my emotional state so they know when to step in or out.  Alone time can be healing, but together time being honest with my people can be healthy too.  I need both.

If rudeness or nastiness are my walls during this time, what am I covering up?  I'm not sure yet.  I do know that it is healthy and beneficial to find out so I will keep searching.

During my balance poses in yoga I have found a trick to quickly get into position and stay there.  If I find a spot on the carpet or ceiling to focus on I am more successful in holding my balance.  If I glance away from that spot, I fall.  Since I do yoga at home, most of those focal points are a stain on the carpet or a scuff on the ceiling.  Sometimes I laugh and wonder how the boys managed to throw something up that high and with such force to create that dent in the ceiling.  The spots I focus on are dirty and they are things I should probably clean up or repair and paint over.  But they are my saving grace in keeping my balance.

Maybe my "week" is a dirty focal point.  On the surface it's ugly.  And if I let it control me, I will say nasty things and hurt the ones I love the most.  Maybe I can get to a point where I look forward these times because I use them to let down my guard and soul search a bit.  Maybe it's like the practice of yoga.  If I keep at it, I will get stronger physically and emotionally, but only if I put the hard work into it first.  This will only happen if I don't build up my normal walls.  I need to find my balance in life so I am searching for those focal points.

We all need to find what helps us keep our balance.  What walls are we raising up?  What should we be focusing on?  Don't always look for focal points in the clean, pretty, perfect things.  There are treasures and hope in the ugly stains.  In those, you may find your balance.

This is going to be hard for me this week though because everybody is chewing so loudly right now.  The splosh of teeth and gums and saliva is going to make my ears explode.  Everybody is doing this on purpose to irritate me!  Oh my gosh, now someone is picking at their teeth!  Steam is coming out of my ears and I'm trying to take some deep breaths.  Find the focal point, Lindsey, do the work, gain your balance and hold it!

What about you?  How do you find your balance in life?  How do you push through your emotionally raw times?

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