January 6, 2015

How to be a Car Pig

1. Keep adding to that dust layer on the dashboard.  Years of dirt and grime make for good tic tac toe games.  Also, love notes written in dust are endearing.

2. Never think of vacuuming - that would require removing things from the car so you can see the floor.  Plus, when you get your oil changed, some shops will shove the junk aside and do it for you.

3. Plan to paint your son's room.  Buy primer.  Leave it in the front seat for three weeks because painting is hard work.  Actually taking the can of paint out of the car is harder.  It looks nice there and it's functional.  Plus, it's a nice resting place for your food when you are eating lunch during errand-running.

4. Buy your kids Pokemon cards and have them open packs in the car.  Make sure they take out only the cards they want.  The wrappers and lesser cards can be wadded up and thrown in the back seat.

5. Go to Target - buy unneeded crap, like 4 pillows.  Leave those in the car too.  You need pillows so bad that your forget to take them out for two weeks.  It's logical.

6. Go ice skating, (I bet you can guess this one by now), leave all the skating gear in the back.  You may never know when you'll drive by a frozen lake.  When that happens - you'll be ready to carve that shit up.

7. Go to McDonald's, buy happy meals.  Apply for your car to be the next Cheap Plastic Toy Museum.

8. Save all of those rogue fries, raisins, fishies, and crackers under the booster seats.  You may get hungry later.  Your welcome.

9. Pack the car with video games, chargers and hand-held gaming systems because, "MOM! CAN I PLAY ON YOUR PHONE?"

10. Baby wipes kept in the car come in handy.  Things will inevitably spill so use them to wad up and cover over the sticky messes.                     
11. Don't volunteer to transport anything for a school field trip.  Then you will have to apologize for the weird unknown smell coming out of the back seat.  Actually, do volunteer, then they won't ever ask you to do this again.  One and done.

12.  At the end of each trip, thank your car for putting up with all your crap and carrying it around too.  Remember, you love your car and she loves you back.  Really, this relationship is a great example of grace.  You mess her up but she will still chug along and carry you to all those exotic destinations like the grocery store and Target.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

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