Me: #1 Start the vegan paleo diet. Only eat "clean" cookies made with refined sugar, flour and tons of butter. Expect great results.
Tim: #2 Inject HGH into my eyes, hoping for x-ray vision.
Me: #3 Name my defective dinosaur phone Sheila. When her GPS gets me lost, announce to everyone, "Damnit! That bitch Sheila made me late again!"
Tim: #4 Refer to myself only in the third person during business meetings.
Me: #5 If a clerk asks for my i.d. at the grocery store, yell, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME," and run out of the store, leaving everything behind.
Tim: #6 Do everything in my power to become best friends with Toby McGuire.
Me: #7 Be an exceptionally involved parent for 15 minutes a day. Be sure to take pictures and post it all on social media to prove it. For the rest of the day, let the boys fend for themselves and build character.
Tim: #8 Constantly refer to people of other ethnicity, gender and age as "those people."
Me: #9 Become more passive aggressive than I already am, but, you know better than me, so what do you think?
Tim: #10 Stop buying into the conspiracy called "Water Conservation."
Me: #11 Start meditating. Tell everyone I know about it. Make sure they know that if they aren't meditating, they're wrong and messing up their entire life.
Tim: #12 When introducing myself to someone new, I will state, "I present myself to thee," bow and walk away. No additional pleasantries will be exchanged.
Me: #13 Live every day of 2015 as if I have 75 more years left to live. The whole "live today as if you'll die tomorrow" thing is way too much pressure and besides, I've got to take a nap.
Tim: #14 Go to any place that is hiring. Hand them a glamour photo and simply say, "Text me if you're interested."
Please note: If anybody tells you that 14 is not 15, remind them that 2015 is the year of the penguin and that kind of math doesn't work anymore.
Peace Out 2014!
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