December 31, 2014

15 Resolutions for 2015

 For our New Year's resolutions, Tim and I are teaming up.  We are already awesome together but 2015 is going to be on a whole new level.  Without further ado:

Me:   #1 Start the vegan paleo diet.  Only eat "clean" cookies made with refined sugar, flour and tons of butter.  Expect great results.

Tim:   #2 Inject HGH into my eyes, hoping for x-ray vision.

Me:   #3 Name my defective dinosaur phone Sheila.  When her GPS gets me lost, announce to everyone, "Damnit!  That bitch Sheila made me late again!"

Tim:   #4 Refer to myself only in the third person during business meetings.

Me:   #5 If a clerk asks for my i.d. at the grocery store, yell, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME," and run out of the store, leaving everything behind.

Tim:   #6 Do everything in my power to become best friends with Toby McGuire.

Me:   #7 Be an exceptionally involved parent for 15 minutes a day.  Be sure to take pictures and post it all on social media to prove it.  For the rest of the day, let the boys fend for themselves and build character.

Tim:   #8 Constantly refer to people of other ethnicity, gender and age as "those people."

Me:   #9 Become more passive aggressive than I already am, but, you know better than me, so what do you think?

Tim:   #10 Stop buying into the conspiracy called "Water Conservation."

Me:   #11 Start meditating.  Tell everyone I know about it.  Make sure they know that if they aren't meditating, they're wrong and messing up their entire life.

Tim:   #12 When introducing myself to someone new, I will state, "I present myself to thee," bow and walk away.  No additional pleasantries will be exchanged.

Me:   #13 Live every day of 2015 as if I have 75 more years left to live.  The whole "live today as if you'll die tomorrow" thing is way too much pressure and besides, I've got to take a nap.

Tim:  #14  Go to any place that is hiring.  Hand them a glamour photo and simply say, "Text me if you're interested."

Please note: If anybody tells you that 14 is not 15, remind them that 2015 is the year of the penguin and that kind of math doesn't work anymore.

Peace Out 2014!

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