March 9, 2012

It's Blowing In

It's been a two cup morning.  Someone has decided to change his sleep habits to mimic those of a one month old who needs essential nourishment thrice a night.  I have a feeling that Jack's bladder might be controlling these new found wakings so I'm not complaining because doing pee laundry is worse than multiple wake ups and re-tucks into bed.

It's funny how my attitude has changed.  My heart used to tend toward resentment and grumpiness and even nastiness when this kind of thing happened.  Now I feel Jack's heart when he wakes up in a dark house and doesn't want to be the only one awake.  Tim has always understood this because if you were to crack open Jack you would see t-i-m scrawled on the building blocks inside.  I have had to learn it and understand it gradually. 

A few days ago I felt a change coming.  Naturally I was looking for the outward change because historically that's what we have experienced.  I wasn't looking for it internally.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Terra passed along a book.  Encouragement has blown into my soul.  Francis Chan suggests that some of us might have forgotten about the necessity of the Holy Spirit.  At first I resisted and rejected this.  I grew up in a church where I saw abuse and misuse of the supposed fruits of the Spirit.  I saw the supposed manifestations of the Spirit used for self glorification and for the belittlement of others.  Naturally and appropriately, my parents moved us in a different direction and to a different group of believers.  I am grateful for their insight.  To clarify, we didn't turn away from love, joy, peace, patience, etc., we turned away from the misuse.

I have always known that the Spirit is a comforter and a helper, but I've put Him on the back burner. I can't begin to learn more about who God is if I don't acknowledge part of who He is.  Jesus even told us it was better for Him to leave so The Helper could come.  The changes I've felt within me may appear subtle but they feel anything but.  I've been helped and comforted in the daily workings of life.  I've felt a purpose I haven't felt in a long time.  Now, I'm not saying that everything is roses and butterflies but there is something different.  It's more than just feelings and emotions.  That's part of it, but not all.

I've tried and tried and tried again to gain new patience, more kindness and even more love.  And I've failed and failed and failed again.  I'm going to keep failing if I keep trying to do it on my own.

I resisted writing this because I hate sounding preachy and I don't want to appear as a hypocrite.  I just wanted to write down a bit of what is going on in my heart and soul.  I know I'm not perfect and I know I'm going to keep failing.  The hope and renewal is just glimmering a bit brighter these days.  And it's not because I'm working harder or doing things a bit better.  It is not me.  God is working and moving and it is glorious to see the fruits.

I can't find or develop within me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  When I look inside, I see the exact opposite.  Somehow though, those things are filling my world.  I see a difference.  I see the Spirit working.  And I get to be here for it.

Change?  It's blowing in alright.  Thank you Jesus.


Anonymous said...

Funny but i always felt the spirit when I am around you, but you know to keep seeking is to keep growing. My prayer is to grow old seeking God in my life and to be a better, wife, mother, daughter and meemaw every day of the rest of my life...Thanks for being one of my gifts!

corsarfam4 said...

I love this, girlfriend! It's nice to see your heart! I'm glad to see the change in your life! Love ya sister!

Phelps said...

Crying! I love you Lindsey! Im so glad God is moving in you and doing new things. Im always here for you.

Anonymous said...

This is so beautiful to see you express everything you are feeling so openly. I think the church I grew up in and the one you first went had it's purpose. We found Christ there, but there are different kinds of worshippers, and we found we were quieter worshippers. Love you, Mom