June 30, 2011


Today I felt like I was going crazy.

Maybe I already slipped over the edge, who knows.  The mere fact that I'm admitting this might be clear evidence.

Most days I love hanging out with my boys.  Today wasn't one.  My patience was at an all time low and my irritability level was high.  I could blame it on the heat and humidity combo that made it "feel like" 110 degrees.  Did I mention we don't have ac?  That may have contributed, but I know full well that it's more of the combo of being new in town and being a stay at home mom.  Some days it's so isolating.  I hate being new.

Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my boys.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  It's what I have always wanted and dreamed of doing.  I am blessed to even have the chance to do it.  And I know that our time at home together will end soon.

Today I was just having a poor me day.  Instead of discussing Autobot battle tactics, I wanted to be weighing the pros and cons of incorporating the latest developmental research into my lesson plans and teaching methods.  Or maybe discussing the latest headlines rather than waiting 20 minutes for two little boys to walk across the garage and get into the van.

I find solace in the fact that my parents, who were great parents, didn't always love hanging out with Ryna and I.  My Dad told me he used to spend some evenings walking around the mall, waiting out the hour before bedtime.  My Mom told me the last few weeks of summer were brutal.  In those last few weeks she couldn't wait until school started again.  I appreciate their honesty, it makes me think I'm not weird.  I guess it's just payback time. 

Tomorrow will probably be great.  Even if it is filled with whining and crying, it will probably be the most perfect day in my perfectly beautiful life.  I know that the one thing that has to change is my attitude.  And my willingness to get down on my knees and ask for help.  I can't do it without Him and I have to actually let Jesus help out.  Only he can remove my selfishness and give me more patience.  It won't be easy because I might get in the way.

Tomorrow my focus is going to change.  Instead of remembering how Luke asked the same question three times in a row without waiting for an answer, I'm going to remember our insightful and humorous conversations.  Instead of remembering Jack's freak out that ended with me getting slugged, I'm going to remember his hugs and sweet kisses.  Instead of thinking about Luke slapping Jack across the face, I'm going to choose to think of his helping Jack clean and organize his entire room.  Instead of thinking about Jack calling me a "bad Mommy" or telling me, "You irritate me all the time," I'm going to think of his confiding to me in a whisper that there is a girl named Marie (Muh-wee) at VBS who he wants to marry.  I need to remember that motherhood isn't always pretty.  It's a good thing that the ugly days are few and far between.

I may be crazy for airing out my ramblings, but I feel better now.

Tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for listening.

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