Easy

In the last few weeks the same thought has popped into my head several times.  "Life is really easy right now.  This is a perfect day in my perfect life."  Then I panic a little.  Over the last few years this same thought has preceded major change.  It seems as soon as we get into a groove and things smooth out, something changes.  Those changes haven't been bad, they just take us on a roller coaster of transition and bumpiness.

What's going to change now?

Maybe nothing is.  Maybe we are going to enjoy this period of leveling out.  Maybe we'll keep going with the flow.  Maybe it will be a joyous change, maybe it will have sorrow attached to it.  Who knows.  All I know is that we can handle it, whatever it is.  God never gives us more than we can handle, even if pain or joy is attached.  It's a good thing we have an extra passenger in our roller coaster life.

It's also a good thing I have a rock star husband keeping me sane.  I've got a responsible, helpful first-born who also has his FIRST LOOSE TOOTH!  And my love extremist baby who surprises me with smooches during the day.  I've got my family and friends, who are family too, who've got our back.

Change?  Bring it on.  The same?  That's fine too.

This really is a perfect day in my perfect life.

An Uncontrollable Christmas

I have a pretty important announcement:

I am a control freak.

Yup, I admitted it.  Subconsciously I've known it for a long time, it's just taken me a while to verbalize it.  Sometimes my family and I benefit from it.  Think: meal calendars, organized toy bins, and extensively organized file cabinets.  Most of the time though, it is a sharp, dagger-like thorn in my side.  When the craziness starts to trickle down and touch Tim and the boys, it's not pretty.  For a long time, I was in denial.  Because Tim is so laid back, I fooled myself into thinking I was too.  Actually, that's just one of the reasons why we are perfect for each other.  Balance is a good thing and we even each other out.  But when things are out of my control, I fu-reak out! 

So, now that I have actually come out and said it, I should probably start working on it.  In the long run, it will be good because I will be able to let the boys do laundry, clean the toilets and do the dishes.  I will have to learn how to not care if the dishwasher isn't stacked to optimum capacity or if the shirts are not hung with the hanger hook pointing left.  In the long run, it will be less work and stress for me.  After all, I'm trying to raise them to be men who know how to cook, clean and maybe even sew a bit.  Your welcome, future daughters-in-law.

Currently, this Christmas season, my therapy is focused on a single type of decoration.  Tinsel.  So far, I'm not doing so well.  These metallic demons are invading every nook and cranny of my house.  One morning I rolled out of bed and found that I had been sleeping with a few pieces.  They hang off Clementine's jowls and Ping can't stay away from it, but Luke and Jack LOVE it.  I have to remind myself to relax and not spend every minute of the day picking the pieces up.  After all, Christmas is not about us being perfect; it's about realizing our imperfection and celebrating the birth of THE ONE who heals it.

I've made some other good steps so far.  I smiled and nodded when the total of our Christmas tree came up to $72!  Darn this non-evergreen state.  I laughed when the morning dog walk produced sparkly poop.  I've still got some work to do because I didn't have the optimum reaction when Jack kicked over and shattered a snow globe.  Pray for me please.  And pray that the tinsel magically stays on the tree branches.  It should, since each branch cost about a dollar each.

Insanity

Today I felt like I was going crazy.

Maybe I already slipped over the edge, who knows.  The mere fact that I'm admitting this might be clear evidence.

Most days I love hanging out with my boys.  Today wasn't one.  My patience was at an all time low and my irritability level was high.  I could blame it on the heat and humidity combo that made it "feel like" 110 degrees.  Did I mention we don't have ac?  That may have contributed, but I know full well that it's more of the combo of being new in town and being a stay at home mom.  Some days it's so isolating.  I hate being new.

Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my boys.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  It's what I have always wanted and dreamed of doing.  I am blessed to even have the chance to do it.  And I know that our time at home together will end soon.

Today I was just having a poor me day.  Instead of discussing Autobot battle tactics, I wanted to be weighing the pros and cons of incorporating the latest developmental research into my lesson plans and teaching methods.  Or maybe discussing the latest headlines rather than waiting 20 minutes for two little boys to walk across the garage and get into the van.

I find solace in the fact that my parents, who were great parents, didn't always love hanging out with Ryna and I.  My Dad told me he used to spend some evenings walking around the mall, waiting out the hour before bedtime.  My Mom told me the last few weeks of summer were brutal.  In those last few weeks she couldn't wait until school started again.  I appreciate their honesty, it makes me think I'm not weird.  I guess it's just payback time. 

Tomorrow will probably be great.  Even if it is filled with whining and crying, it will probably be the most perfect day in my perfectly beautiful life.  I know that the one thing that has to change is my attitude.  And my willingness to get down on my knees and ask for help.  I can't do it without Him and I have to actually let Jesus help out.  Only he can remove my selfishness and give me more patience.  It won't be easy because I might get in the way.

Tomorrow my focus is going to change.  Instead of remembering how Luke asked the same question three times in a row without waiting for an answer, I'm going to remember our insightful and humorous conversations.  Instead of remembering Jack's freak out that ended with me getting slugged, I'm going to remember his hugs and sweet kisses.  Instead of thinking about Luke slapping Jack across the face, I'm going to choose to think of his helping Jack clean and organize his entire room.  Instead of thinking about Jack calling me a "bad Mommy" or telling me, "You irritate me all the time," I'm going to think of his confiding to me in a whisper that there is a girl named Marie (Muh-wee) at VBS who he wants to marry.  I need to remember that motherhood isn't always pretty.  It's a good thing that the ugly days are few and far between.

I may be crazy for airing out my ramblings, but I feel better now.

Tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for listening.

 

Future Mrs. Pells, take note:

Dear Future Mrs. Pell #1 and #2,

Please prepare yourself.

Prepare yourself for a life that will never be boring or bleak.  You will laugh everyday.  Expect daily adoration, affection and appreciation.  Prepare yourself to be loved dearly and hard.  You will be cherished and held above all others.  When you walk into the room, everything will fade away and he will focus only on you.

Be prepared to talk about everything.  Pell men don't live up to the clammed up, "Men don't talk about their feelings" stereotype.  When you sign on that dotted line of the marriage certificate, you will have a loyal lover, a best friend, a partner in crime until the end of time.  Forever is not taken lightly here.

It will be hard, but I will pass the torch to you when it is time.  Don't worry about me, I've got my own Pell man at home.  You can thank him later for raising boys up to be men who have got their priorities right.  Jesus first, wife second, all else third.

For now, I will cherish the snotty kisses, the half smirks and the twinkles in those deep brown eyes.  When you get those kisses, they won't be snotty.  You will have the insider information behind the smirks.  And those twinkles will be because of you.  Love him back.  And do it with all of your heart.  Not all women get to have a Pell man.  We are the lucky ones.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Pell

p.s. If you don't know how to ride on the back of a Harley, you probably won't be reading this.

Tailwind

There are some days I have a definite tailwind.  Most of those days the sun is shining, I've gone on a run, and gotten to spend some quality time with Tim.  There are plenty of other things that give me a boost, including hanging with Jesus, playing with the boys, spending time with family, baking, chillin with my lady friends, honest conversations, and actually doing something about the poor state of our public education system.  That list encompasses most of my passions, gifts and priorities.

So why do I get lazy sometimes and quit pursuing them?  I have no idea.  Some days I slip down below the dreaded clouds and feel as if I could care less about any of them.  Those are horrible days.  And I wish I could do them over.  Most of the time I don't even realize the descent until it's too late.  My patience grows thin, I get irritated with everyone and I don't have any fun.  I wouldn't want to be around me on those days.   

I know that blah days are inevitable.  I'm human.  But I want to make them extremely rare.  How do I do that?  I'm not exactly sure, but I do know that I need to revisit that list above and shove as much of it in each day as I can.

What puts a fire under your butt?

Really, I want to know.  Partially, because I want to steal borrow your ideas. 

Grumble Fest

Today was a hard day.

It rained all day.

Jack got soap in his eyes while in the shower.

Luke seemed to think if he asked me the same question four times, he’d get a different answer.

I accidentally clipped Clementine’s nails above the quick.

Jack bit the dog.

Luke punched Jack in the neck.

I didn’t have any patience available.

Jack requested cottage cheese for lunch, then spit it out all over the floor.

Luke wouldn’t believe me when I told him there was no way that a spider could be inside Jack’s toast.

Jack chased Luke until he cried.

I tried everything I could think of.

Extra knee bending, Bible open time,

Extra encouragement,

Extra motivations,

Explicit expectations,

Consistency on follow-through and time-outs,

Brownies (for me),

Extra hugs and snuggle time,

None of it seemed to work.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day.

 Peace out Today.

My Struggles

I struggle with selfishness.  It is a thorn that greatly and negatively influences my marriage and my parenting. 

In the beginning days of our marriage, Tim and I had our issues, like all newlyweds do.  Most of my contributions to those issues stemmed from my overwhelming selfishness.  After almost six years I like to think we are getting better at it.  There are plenty of areas Tim and I excel in, communication being one, but we still have little things that sneak upon us.  If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be human.  The sneaky bugger of selfishness still creeps up on me. 

I also did not enjoy my pregnancies because of how it made ME feel, how it made MY body change, how it affected MY mood.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the outcomes of those pregnancies.  My boys are perfect, of course.  When Luke and Jack came into this world, all the changes in my body and the mood swings were worth it.  But that doesn’t change the fact that my selfishness dominated my pregnancies. 

Then it followed me into their babyhood.  As you all with babies know, that first year of life is especially demanding.  My struggles with putting myself first were exaggerated.  I wasn’t’ getting enough sleep.  MY body wasn’t my own because it was feeding the baby.  I couldn’t sit on the couch all day long reading my beloved and addicting novels.  The daily routine wasn’t dictated by ME anymore.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  This me-first attitude seems to be following me into toddlerhood as well.  I want that to change. 

With that being said, I also want to put in a disclaimer here.  Being a mother doesn’t mean you should be a doormat, but it does require selflessness.  I need my breaks to stay sane, just like any parent, but then when I’m back in action, I need to be giving all of me.  Without begrudging it. 

If this seems like a confession, you are exactly right.  My hope is that in writing this down and airing all my dirty laundry to the world, this nastiness will lose it’s power.  Now that you know, you can help keep me accountable.  Confession may seem old fashioned, but it is tried and true.  When you put voice to the hidden, it loses its ownership over your life. 

Selfishness is the exact opposite of love.  Pure and true love is outwardly focused with absolutely no thought to oneself.  I know this to be true because my Savior, my Rescuer demonstrated absolute and perfect love.  Without thought to Himself, he endured extreme pain and ultimately died so I could be redeemed.  Daily I am praying for Him to show me all areas where that nasty selfishness rules my life so I can work to remove it.  I can’t do it by myself because every time I try on my own, I fail.  Every day I pray that He will renew me, remove that selfishness, more of Him, less of me.

No One

No one prepares you for how hard parenthood is.

The Good Lord blesses grandparents with partial amnesia of how you REALLY were as a child.  This is a good thing because it means they will actually offer to babysit.

Your friends and colleagues without kids have no frickin idea.

Everybody with kids doesn't want to admit how hard it is because that might mean we aren't doing the job right.  Nobody wants to admit that they are at their wits end some days.  Some days their kids wallop, bite and smack each other.  No one wants to admit that some days their kids respond with crazy attitude.  Where did they learn that?  No one wants to admit that their bag is devoid of tricks.

I'm not going to admit that.  Well, maybe, I just did.

I'm Pissed

At myself.

What did I do?  I made the same mistake TWICE.

While taking our family picture yesterday, I set the camera on the bar stool, pushed the timer and ran to pose.

A gust of wind, well, gusted, and pushed my camera over to smash on the very hard cement sidewalk.

The camera got a few scratches and lost it's plastic lens protector (Forgive the non-photographic vocabulary, I just like to take pictures and don't really know what I'm doing most of the time.)

Me?  Well, stupid me, I just set the camera right back on the stool again.  They were just cosmetic damages right?

Gust.

Smash.

This time a piece fell off the front and the zoom thing got stuck in a crooked fashion.

I cried.

Then Tim shoved the zoomer back in.

A miracle!  It works!  At least for now.

The Temptation of Becoming an Adult

I just want to start off with saying that this post is inspired by my husband. He has resisted the temptation and inspired me to do the same.

It snowed today! Of course Luke and Jack wanted to go out and play in it so we suited them up in their snow armor and let them go out. We could have left it at that, but we didn’t. Tim and I ran to get our snow gear on and hopped outside to play in the crunchy white backyard.

As the four of us were making a humongous snowman, Tim commented, “I hope we never grow up and lose the kid inside us.” I told him I thought we already had the chance to do that and so far, we’ve passed the test.

We could have been boring adults today. We could have bundled the boys up and sent them outside while staying cozy warm inside. But we didn’t. What fun would that be?

How easy we forget the joys of childhood. We get so excited to grow up. We are in a hurry to get out of school so we can get a “real” job, spend our money however we want, like on insurance bills, and drive cool cars, like blue minivans.

Today I almost gave into the temptation of being an adult. After the energy I expended in putting on coats, boots, hats, gloves, etc., I was just about to throw in the Mommy Card and say I had to stay inside to make lunch. Before I laid down that verdict, the spunky little girl inside me yelled out from the depths, “Sure, just let me find my coat and I’ll be right out.”

Now, for the terrible adult duties of cleaning this mess up.